As a 69-year-old, I can expect to share many of the usual issues of aging that most people encounter -- and being bisexual gives me some additional challenges. The greatest is mandatory activism -- the feeling that I must be out as bisexual in the lesbian and gay community as well as the straight community; that I must educate professionals about bisexuality; that I must speak up for bisexual visibility, presence and inclusion. With so few out bisexual elders, we all have to do as much as we can to find allies, educate others, fight bisexual oppression and support those bisexuals who are less able to be out.
How can I be out when others cannot? I'm a widow, so I don't have to worry that my activism will impinge on my husband. Although I was out to my family while my husband was alive, I wasn't yet a bisexual activist; I didn't identify as bisexual until age 43. Our adult children are fully bisexual-supportive. My daughter is bisexual, too -- a special connection between us and an extra incentive for me to work hard for bisexual liberation for all ages.
If bisexuality is defined as the capacity to be emotionally and physically attracted to, and form relationships with, more than one sex and gender, then many, many older Americans fit the definition regardless of what they call themselves. Everywhere I've spoken out in the last decade (and that's a lot of places), people have come forward to tell me their sad stories of feeling unsafe, isolated and misunderstood if they come out as bisexual or admit attractions to more than one sex and gender.
Instead, they are fitting themselves with safer labels -- heterosexual or homosexual -- and suffering from those choices because they can't fully be themselves. My contacts with older bisexual-attracted people have been particularly poignant and have occurred in a variety of settings. Some of my contacts have been with fellow health and mental health professionals; many have been in the context of lesbian and gay communities; some have occurred within the Unitarian Universalist Association, of which I am a member.
Perhaps the most amazing contacts were at a national conference sponsored by Senior Action in a Gay Environment (SAGE) in New York City. SAGE is the oldest and largest social service agency for gay and lesbian elders in the United States. I was the first out bisexual speaker in SAGE's history. I searched for three months for an older male bisexual to join me on a panel -- and I didn't turn up even one in the New York City area who dared to be out as bisexual at SAGE -- even though many told me they regularly attended events there. (I imported a panelist from Boston.)
I'm glad to report that after I spoke out during the plenary at the conference, about 10 percent of the conference-goers came to our workshop, "Bi Aging 101," and many thanked us for speaking out about their issues. Although several identified themselves to us, no bisexual SAGE employees were out at work. They told us it wasn't safe! Even the agency director didn't know there were bisexual employees.
Bisexuals are often invisible in the gay and lesbian communities. We aren't acknowledged as bisexuals even though we're there and active in lesbian and gay causes. Are the older women I meet who have recently started having relationships with other women also bisexual? Will they choose the "lesbian" label because it's safer even though they have been attracted to men and may still be? Will they be afraid to be seen with an out bisexual woman? Am I expected to pass as lesbian, or am I free to be me?
This oppression of bisexuals by gay and lesbian people is largely unrecognized and/or not understood by professionals working within queer communities. I was part of a sample of bisexual women of all ages who were asked about their experiences of oppression. All but one reported that her worst oppression was by lesbians.
For more than a decade, I've been educating professionals who lack information about people like me. Health and mental health professionals need a lot of coaching: What is bisexuality? How is it different from gay, lesbian or straight? What questions should professionals ask -- and how should they ask them -- to get information needed to give good care? When professionals don't understand that bisexual clients may be oppressed by or isolated from both gay and straight communities, they aren't able to assess stress, anxiety, relationships or risk appropriately. Treatment may be way off target.
But it's not all challenges and struggle. The biggest reward is having a wonderful community of bisexual and bisexual-supportive folks in the United States and beyond. My closest extended family members are some of the bisexuals of Boston and Maine. We are wonderful support for each other, in and out of tough times.
Part of my bisexual community is within the Unitarian Universalist denomination, where we have our own group and are part of the larger Unitarian Universalist "queer" organizations. (I use "queer" as a nonpejorative collective noun.) They know me as cofounder of the Unitarian Universalist Bi Network and as the regular "Bi Space" columnist in the Unitarian Universalist queer periodical, Interweave World.
Using my trusty Bisexual Resource Guide (Boston: Bisexual Resources Center, 2001), which lists more than 2,000 bisexual-inclusive groups in 66 countries, I have contacted and visited bisexual organizations near and far. And when I tell people I wrote the chapter "Gray Haired and Above Suspicion" for the book Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 1991), that's often the only introduction I need to find other bisexuals who are glad to connect with me.
Being an out bisexual elder brings many invitations to speak and consult. I meet many new and interesting people. Sometimes, I'm teaching social workers, same-sex domestic violence task force members or Boston health department workers about the needs of older bisexuals. Other times, I'm a panelist on older bisexual women's sexuality; a safer-sex educator in the Bisexual Health Project (a Boston-based model outreach program); a guest speaker at the weekly forum of an Arizona retirement community; or the dinner guest of bisexual activists.
Finally, I get to see my work helping to bring about changes. How wonderful it is when a group finally recognizes bisexuals and bisexuality and includes us; when a school of social work changes language and curriculum to be inclusive of bisexuals; when a senior health access project assesses bisexual needs along with those of gay and lesbian people.
Maybe this bisexual issue of OutWord will help LGAIN move toward full inclusion of bisexuals and other sexual minorities. By working together, we could greatly increase the knowledge of professionals in aging about issues relating to all sexual and gender minorities. Such professionals would be more effective in advocating for our issues, such as safe and affordable "gay" senior housing, "queer-sensitive" healthcare and mental health practices, and domestic partnerships with rights of survival. So much to do; so little time.
BobBi Keppel is a 69-year-old bisexual activist and educator living in Maine. She is a sexual orientation consultant and educator -- and a fiber artist in her spare time. Contact her at bk001@keppel.net.
