The first time I saw John, he was standing just inside the entrance of the convention center where the annual General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (USA) was getting underway. In keeping with a pattern that is becoming wearily familiar to many mainline Christian and Jewish denominations in the United States, this assembly would again be taking up the controversial matter of the status of its lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) members in the lives, leadership and policies of its congregations.
The theme for this year's assembly, bannered throughout the convention center and on the streets of downtown Denver, was "A House of Prayer for All People." John first caught my eye because of the subtle differences in the hand-lettered sign he was holding in silent vigil as the commissioners hurried by: "A House of Prayer for ALL People?"
John was a pleasant-looking, simply dressed man in his late 60s. Pinned to his shirt on one side were the familiar triangle and rainbow motifs of the LGBT movement. Affixed over his heart on the other side was an object familiar to many baby-boomer churchgoers: a Sunday school attendance pin, linked with four additional pins that together proclaimed a lifetime of near perfect attendance at Sunday school and church. A lifelong Presbyterian, John lives in New Mexico with his male partner of many years.
Each Sunday, John commutes more than two hours to attend worship in El Paso, Texas, because the Presbyterian church in his own community made it clear they did not welcome him or his family in their congregation.
"It's not so bad," he told me. "Me, my partner and a couple of close friends make a day of it: We go to church, go out to eat, find things to do. It's worth the drive to have a church where we can be welcomed, as family, worshiping God in a community of faith. I could never abandon the Presbyterian Church, even though it has tried to abandon me."
What can -- what should -- churches and synagogues be doing for their LGBT members? How can religious communities, struggling with diminishing resources, challenges from an increasingly secular society, and profound differences in social and theological perspectives genuinely become a house of prayer for all people? How can a gay elder such as John find genuine support in the church as he reaches the final decades of his life?
I write as the pastor of a smallish (less than 200 members) Presbyterian congregation in Miami. Seven years ago, after a period of study, our congregation adopted a statement of nondiscrimination regarding LGBT people, declaring that our house of prayer would be welcoming to all people, regardless of sexual orientation. At the time of the declaration, four people in the church were openly gay or lesbian; today, the congregation is around 30 percent LGBT, and a significant number of older adults are an active part of that population.
Like their heterosexual neighbors, our LGBT elders are grandmothers and grandfathers, single people looking for companionship and romance, members of long-term relationships, bereaved spouses, and adult children grappling with the caregiving needs of dependent parents. They are leaders in the community and the congregation, active in their retirement, deeply committed to a life of faith. Except for the matter of their sexual identity and the challenges that identity creates -- not for them but for the unwelcoming church or synagogue of which they are a part -- LGBT elders are not so very different from any other elder in my congregation or yours.
As John's story makes clear, the critical issue for LGBT elders is inclusion. Congregations who wish to address the needs of LGBT elders ought to be intentional about becoming the type of congregation that celebrates diverse family styles; involves people of all ages and conditions in the active, public life and worship of the congregation; and seeks to create and maintain a broader sense of family that surpasses traditional nuclear definitions of how people belong to one another in family relationships.
Such congregations must demonstrate a public, broad-based commitment to inclusivity in all areas of the life of the church or synagogue. LGBT elders are already grappling with the complicated issues of aging, retirement, and the loss of partners or health. In addition, they are quite possibly living without the emotional support of members of their biological family, who may not affirm their sexual identity or family arrangement. They shouldn't have to play "don't ask, don't tell" games with God -- or with any of God's children.
LGBT older adults should be welcomed as they are. They need to see that they are valued for their experience, their gifts and their unique perspectives. They deserve to have their family members and companions welcomed by the congregation as joyfully as any new family is welcomed. They need to be supported in honoring and remembering the same significant rites of passage as anyone else -- such as the death of a partner or the celebration of a holy union or the anniversary of such a partnership.
Based on the experience of my church, I offer the following suggestions on how to create a welcoming, affirming congregation for older LGBT members:
In Prayer and Worship
- Be intentional about including the prayer requests of LGBT families and singles.
- Where necessary and appropriate, offer learning opportunities that help congregations become more inclusive and open, addressing religious and cultural material that has inhibited the full participation of LGBT people in religious bodies.
- Be sensitive to honoring the anniversaries, birthdays and other life events of LGBT people.
In the Fellowship of the Congregation
- Encourage families to adopt single LGBT elders as honorary aunts, uncles and grandparents, including them in holiday meal celebrations and other family events.
- Create neighborhood groups in your congregation that involve a variety of types of families and singles in ongoing small groups that can give attention to the emotional, social and spiritual needs of their members.
- Create opportunities to celebrate the lives and significant accomplishments of LGBT elders: Find ways for them to share their stories with the congregation, mentor younger families and individuals, and in every way recognize and fully use the wealth of their years of experience and learning.
Such interactions will strengthen and enrich the congregation immeasurably.
In the Leadership of the Congregation
- Demonstrate a participatory, inclusive model of governance and leadership.
- Include LGBT elders as members of boards, as trustees, as Sunday school teachers -- in short, in every place in your faith community where congregation members are involved.
Fulfilling the Biblical Vision
My new friend John has long received at many levels the message that he is "not my people," a foreigner to the household of faith in which he was reared and which he loves with all his heart. Yet his life bears witness to the hope that any of God's houses, should they choose, can become a house of prayer for all people, and can somehow fulfill the old biblical vision of the prophet Isaiah:
And the "foreigners" who join themselves to the Lord, to minister to him, to love the name of the Lord, and to be his servants, all who keep the Sabbath . . . and hold fast to my covenant: These I will bring to my holy mountain, and make them joyful in my house of prayer; . . . their sacrifices will be accepted on my altar; for my house shall be called a house of prayer for all peoples. Thus says the Lord God, who gathers the outcasts . . . I will gather others to them besides those already gathered. (Isaiah 56:6-8)
The Rev. Laurie Kraus is pastor of Riviera Presbyterian Church in Miami, Fla. Visit the church's website at www.rivierachurch.org.
